Saturday, July 27, 2013

Research May Indicate a Strong Connection Between Diminished Intelligence and Firearms

Breaking News: From Us to You   |  by Samael Lightbringer

     Scientists have long argued that states that have higher levels of religiosity also have subpar education systems. The overall belief has always been that the more religious a group, the less likely they will be to seek any knowledge that could possibly counter their beliefs. Thus, states which consider themselves strongly affiliated with a particular religion are more likely to have poorly educated citizens.
     But, watch out Ted Nugent - new research from the University of California at Berkeley has uncovered what they claim is "the definitive causal factor of both diminished intelligence and religious fanaticism" - guns. Or more specifically, the trace lead elements found in gun ammunition.
     This data is the result of a breakthrough research study performed by Dr. Alan Richtenboch, a professor of Sociology at Berkeley. Dr. Richtenboch along with Dr. Walter von Bass, a professor of Chemical Engineering at the University of Texas, performed a 15-year study covering 12 states. They examined rural and metropolitan areas in six states that have very liberal gun laws: Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Alabama, and Arizona and six states/districts that have more restrictive gun laws: New York, California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Massachusetts, and Washington, D.C.
     The study, in part, measured the air quality of multiple areas within each state or, as was the case in the District of Columbia, it measured the air throughout the city. What they found is a scientific breakthrough by most standards: the air in areas with heavy gun ownership and use had higher than normal traces of lead in the atmosphere. The study also examined the soil and water quality for these areas and similar results - more lead in the ground and water in those areas where guns are worshipped!
     "This is a major scientific breakthrough," claims Dr. von Bass. He went onto say that lead can have serious side effects when introduced into the human body.
      "This exposure can be via inhalation, ingestion, and in rare cases and usually involving organic lead via skin contact," Dr. von Bass continued.
     Signs and symptoms of lead poisoning can include: mild stomach problems such as diarrhea or cramps, depression, short-term memory loss, to full on hallucinations and delirium. Prolonged and heavy exposure can cause death.
     "It is a common fact that people in areas where there are looser gun laws, also suffer from higher incidences of depression and anxiety. Before this study, we assumed that the correlation was spurious" [meaning not connected]; "however, now that we see the increase of lead in the drinking water, the soil upon which these people grow their food that they then eat, and the very air they breathe, we can deduce that the correlation is connected, just not in a way that we previously could have imagined," Dr. Richtenboch explained.
     The social scientist went on to explain that initial findings also indicate that diminished intelligence can be linked to a loss of short-term memory because the person would be unable to shift memories from short-term to long-term which diminishes their overall ability to retain information.
     Both scientists agree that if a person is exposed to these trace amounts of the course of years, and then had children, it is possible to pass a damaged genetic trait to their progeny that decreases their ability to learn and retain information.
     Not everyone agrees that there is a connection. Jethro Michaels claims that he "sleeps wit my guns and I's holds 'em and they ain't never done me no wrong ever." Mr. Michaels runs a small radio show on 1182 AM that deals with aliens and NSA assassinations.
     "I'll tell yew what der damned problem is," Michaels explains, "Our damned govment is trying to take away our guns cuz they know we can take this place by force if they just left things as they is."
     When asked, Mr. Michaels claimed that he couldn't tell us what has changed, just that it "ain't the damned same, and it's them damned liberals fault for takin my lovely guns away."
(Editors note, "Mr. Michaels lost his right to gun ownership due to opening fire at a passing school bus because he thought it was a military convoy coming to stop him from spreading the truth.")
    "Just think of it, after years of evolution, we could be reaching a stage where we de-evolve back to mindless animals who take what they want sheerly by force with no consideration of anyone else's rights or claims," proclaims an excitable Richtenboch. "Come to think of it, it would be hard to really tell a difference between modern man and those descendants"
     It will take years of further study to determine how much gun usage is necessary to pollute an environment to the point that it is too toxic to support human life, but for now they will present their findings in the Journal of Medicine and the American Journal of Sociology.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Tragic Shootout at Baseball Game Has Happy Ending

Breaking News: From Us to You   |  by Samael Lightbringer
Posted 07/14/13   |   Updated 07/23/13

     Florida's controversial 'Stand Your Ground Law' was in the spotlight again this week - only this time at a major sporting event. Fans of the Houston Astros and the Tampa Bay Rays watched in absolute horror as a lone gunman opened fire in the stands at the July 14th game at Tropicana Field.
     Suspect Roland Killingsworth, 27, decided to taunt Astro fans by showing his support for the Rays on their side of Tropicana Field. After an hour, and a lot of alcohol, the Astro fans began to take offense at Killingsworth's remarks about their beloved team. There are reports that fans initially responded to Killingsworth by throwing peanuts at him and most thought that it was just a playful back and forth between the Astro fans and Killingsworth. But, as the Astros began to lose, the loyal fans lost their appreciation for Killingsworth's remarks. Eyewitnesses say that was when one of the Astro fans touched Killingsworth, and that it was this contact that escalated the confrontation.
     37-year-old Malcolm Jones gave a tearful account of the story to the local CBS affiliate, WTSP.

"It was like a war zone man. It started with this crazy white dude screaming how the 'f***ing Astro's suck donkey ****." He just wouldn't stop. We asked first. But, he just kept it up. It was like he didn't respect our space. Finally one of those big Texans, well, he tapped the guy on the shoulder and was like, 'excuse me, sir, but I am trying to enjoy the game, and while I appreciate your opinion, I would much rather us sit here and enjoy the game without the offensive language.' I dove into the stands and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, all I saw was red..."
     Other eye-witnesses say that was when "all hell broke loose." The survivors claim that Killingsworth then reached into his duffle bag that he pulled out of nowhere and started pulling out several different guns.
     Malcolm was one of the lucky ones. He managed to survive the ordeal unscathed. The tragedy left 78 people wounded and 14 people dead. Killingsworth managed to fire off somewhere between 556 and 762 rounds of ammunition before he ended his deadly rampage.
     After the rampage ended, Malcolm says that he looked up at Killingsworth and he saw that he was standing there over him. Malcolm claimed that Killingsworth was "somehow dressed like a superhero with a cape and everything. He flashed me this smile that seemed to say that everything would be alright now."
     Killingsworth surrendered himself to police without any resistance claiming that he was acting in self-defense. Witnesses say that the police praised his attire before placing him into custody.
In other news, the Rays won that game 5-0.


     The local law enforcement has dropped all charges against Killingsworth citing that he obviously had become threatened by the crowds demeanor thanks to the eye-witness testimony of Malcolm Jones. They went on to praise his quick thinking and rapid reloading skills. Rumors even say that Killingsworth was offered a job with them, though these have yet to be substantiated.
     All that is known is that the city of Tampa can sleep easier knowing that heroes like this exist.